Free Agents – Episode 1 – Breakdown and Scoring

Score your fantasy league, nod your head at our observations, reflect on the 90 minutes that was The Challenge Free Agents Premiere!

CT-Theresa in a basketball challenge.   MTV Photo Gallery

CT-Theresa in a basketball challenge. MTV Photo Gallery


The cast lands in Uruguay. Good blurring, MTV! The viewers have no idea which American airline the cast flew in on.

T.J. meets with everyone to give ’em the rundown. Oh, T.J…. we missed you so!

The format of the game is explained. Every man for himself and every woman for herself. The only way to stay out of eliminations is to win. Power to the people.

Jemmye expresses disappointment with the format, comparing the random selection to the elimination challenges to the Hunger Games. Foreshadowing?

Jasmine express disappoint with the format, probably because she’s 85 lbs. Foreshadowing?

As we continue to touch base with all the cast mates, we learn more. Chet like the individual format because he won’t have to suck up to anyone. Did Chet ever suck up to anyone? Foreshadowing?

Devyn is realer than ever, but probably not in the hair department. Leroy explains that he works a regular job like anyone else, but personal training now, as opposed to his former work as a garbage man. Leroy is terrific with words in describing what The Challenge is all about: “free money, free vacation, free getting laid if you want… it’s like heaven!”

Dustin reveals that while he’s single, he made a pact with his ex-girlfriend Heather (also from Real World Vegas 2) not to hook up. He doesn’t want to embarrass her.  That’s right, the same guy who didn’t tell Heather that he did gay porn, doesn’t want to embarrass her. Most stable people in the world. #TheChallenge.

Theresa and CT play a game of strip basketball. Theresa should be drafted by the WNBA. Her performance in this game is outstanding. She’s got moves, she’s hot and stripping. She’s competing with CT! Even though she loses (11-10), this is a major breakthrough in women’s sports… well, until you see CT’s post-game non-press conference… he seems pretty drunk.

Laurel reminds us that she’s back and she likes to dominate, but wants to do so with a nicer persona, if possible. My breath will not be held. Also, come on! Who wants a nice Laurel? Being friendly with Cara Maria is nice enough.

Jessica flirts with Dustin. I wonder if Jessica knows what STD testing is… I’m not saying all porn is unsafe, but vulnerable Dustin and his weird story… I doubt he used condoms.

But enough about the dangers of The Challenge. Let’s see Uruguay’s tallest building! It’s 42 stories. New Yorkers laugh. Good one, Uruguay! Our World Trade Center is… not open yet. Wamp wamp.

The 28 cast members are divided into two teams for the first challenge,which consists of three stages. Team captains are Nia and Chet.

Nia picks Jordan, Laurel, CT, Aneesa, Cohutta, Nany, Bananas, Devyn, Johnny, Jessica, Swift,  Jasmine and Preston.           [TEAM BLACK]

Chet picks Camila, Frank, Cara Maria, Zach, Jonna, Dustin, Theresa, Isaac, Jemmye, Leroy, Emilee, Brandon and LaToya.         [TEAM RED]

Stage one of the challenge is to run up the 42 flights of this building. That’s fun! LaToya hits her head against a door. Looks like it hurts. Hope there’s nothing valuable up there. MTV editors fail to add animated birds flying around her head – disappointing.

Stage two is a puzzle. CT, Aneesa, Jasmine and Swift do well with the puzzle for Team Black. Team Red’s puzzle, led by Chet, does not fair so well. Meanwhile, LaToya is maybe concussed and definitely dehydrated. She goes for a ride to the hospital to get checked out. Perhaps in future seasons, there should be a penalty for being taken away by emergency vehicle. Leave a comment regarding how you feel about that.

Stage three requires the remaining teammates to make their way across a rolling platform thing (from American Gladiators?), picking up a flag in the middle and ringing a bell at the other side of the rolly-thing. Devyn fails, Brandon fails. Jessica, terrified of heights, completes the task in 2 min 55 seconds. She doesn’t know if she wants to cry, and I can’t tell if she cried.

Dustin falls trying to get the flag. Jordan rocks the slow and steady strategy, it fails.

Before going, Camila asks if the bungy cords will work… did she not just see those who failed before her not die? Probably just a weird comment from nerves. Doesn’t matter anything she says at all because Camila KILLS IT! She completes the task in 18 seconds! It’s very impressive and worthy of a T.J. “you killed it” – but she doesn’t get it. Sad face.

Cohutta, who sounds like every Southern hick stereotype, has probably walked across rolling logs before, right? He completes the task in 1 min 8 seconds.

It all comes down to Jemmye, who falls before the flag. Team black wins! This means half the cast is awarded 15 points. It’s raining points all over the scoresheet. I have to pause the show many times to count exactly who is on this black team.

The winning black team gets to vote in one male and one female from the losing team to send straight to elimination. Aneesa says they have to come to some kind of agreement: should it be personal or based on game performance? Um, not true at all, Aneesa. Did you not hear T.J. explain that it’s an individual game? Why deliberate as a team at all? I’m confused. Meanwhile, Laurel, trying to be diplomatic and fair, suggests voting in Chet and LaToya, since they had the worst performances in the challenge. Bananas disagrees. He wants to go after the best people out there. Dustin’s name is thrown out and all the girls veto because they want to bang him. Bananas reminds people that this is an individual game and they will not be in these teams tomorrow. Bananas yells at Jordan. It’s not quite a fight because Jordan doesn’t really respond to Bananas roid rage.

VOTING TIME! Females first. LaToya is crushed, being voted in by almost everyone “because it’s the easiest” – since she’s a rookie and has seen the local infirmary already. She’s fired up and she’s well rested after being nursed back into hydration.

Even though they were disagreeing in the deliberation, Bananas votes Chet and Jordan votes Dustin (Bananas strategy) . What just happened?

I love Devyn’s tactics in this vote. She dumps Leroy in cause she doesn’t know him and he doesn’t have any votes and, “if he’s mad, I’ll just shake my cleavage in his face and he’ll be fine.” That’s strategery right there!

Despite some of the guys voting for Dustin in a “go big or someone from the other team goes home” way of thinking. I like this plan. A plan Bananas created and then abandoned. Bananas drives me Bananas. Chet is chosen for the elimination challenge. With Preston on the winning team unable to be put in the elimination by the draw, Chet is in pretty bad shape here.

Cara Maria is confused that no one said her name in the vote. I find this amusing. Oh, Cara Maria.

The rest of the red team has to pack their bags in case they get chosen in the draw to participate in the elimination challenge and lose. The guys actually pack their bags? It’s Chet! Also, this is gunna be a lot of packing and unpacking this season. Someone’s clothes are gunna end up in the pool and/or people could change roommates very easily since they are almost always moving.

At the elimination pit, the rest of the losing team take part in the draw. They take turns flipping over blocks. If it’s blank, the player is safe. If the player draws the kill card, they go into the elimination challenge.

Frank flips the kill card. He will face Chet.

The elimination challenge is an American Gladiator looking game where competitors take turns on offense then defense, with the offensive player trying to score a ball into a bin in the middle of the circular ring and the defender try to stop them. Wrestling with a ball!

Frank wins the first battle. Chet somehow wins the second, but rips his chinny chin chin open. They tape him up. T.J. asks if Chet wants to get stitches now and forfeit or play with the band-aid, make it happen and then get stitches. Cut to commercial while Chet contemplates the value of his face. Chet chooses the former, leaving the show because of injury, -50 points. T.J. comments to Chet that he doesn’t know anyone who hasn’t cut their chin, but go do your thing if that’s what you gotta do, I think you’ll regret it. Verbal disappoint in quitting -5 points. Even Frank shakes his head. These people like their competition.

Uruguay (left) USA special surgeon (right) - Chet's modelling career is safe!

Uruguay (left) USA special surgeon (right) – Chet’s modelling career is safe!

Girls turn. LaToya vs Jemmye. LaToya scores first, then Jemmye answers with a sweet spin move. They stop each other once, then LaToya scores again, answered by a score by Jemmye. LaToya takes it to the hole with a spin move of her own. Jemmye must score at this point. After some tough physical roughhousing, LaToya comes out victorious.

LaToya embraces her underdog status and her confidence blossoms before our eyes. It’s a beautiful thing. T.J. even gives her a “you ABSOLUTELY killed it.” +10 points, no extra points for the absolutely.

Jemmye Draw The Kill Card

Jemmye Draw The Kill Card

Jemmye, who is very likable white trash, bows out of the game nicely. She’s honored to have heard the other cast members rooting for her. She compliments her competitor, expresses her understanding of the game and concludes that in this case, her performance just didn’t cut it. This is a refreshingly classy move. Well-played, Jemmye. If you can’t win the game, you can at least win some respect. Jemmye 1, Chet 0 re: losing style.

Frank feels turned up from his win, but probably not as good as if he had won by real victory and not forfeit. Either way, LaToya and Frank get 25 points each. Frank says this will be the most intense challenge ever. Someone says something like this every season.

NOTE: The episode edited so that Jemmye is the first to complain about the format, foreshadowing! Also, Jemmye was the one who decided which team won the challenge and then was randomly put in the elimination challenge? That either played out perfectly or the producers rigged it. Either way, it worked out well for intensity!

Preview for the rest of the season looks amazing. Is it next Thursday yet?

UPDATED: We have awarded Johnny Bananas 5 points for verbal fighting, since he yelled at Jordan during the deliberations.

Scoring for Episode 1 is noted below:

Players Kicked Off (100) Win Final (100), 2nd Place (30), 3rd Place (10) Physical Fighting (25) Coitus (20) T.J. Verbal Disappointment in Quitting (-5) Making T.J. Disappointed in anything else (10 pts) Winning Elimination (25) Male Crying (20) Nudity (10) Winning Regular Challenge (15) T.J.: “You Killed It” (10) Female Crying (5) Open-Mouth Kissing (5) Verbal Fighting (5) Leaving Show B/C Injury (-50) Vomitting (5) Peeing/Pooping (10) Player Weekly Total
CT 15 15
Isaac 0
Chet -5 -50 -55
Preston 15 15
Frank 25 25
Dustin 0
Emilee 0
Aneesa 15 15
Laurel 15 15
Camila 0
Brandon 0
Jessica 15 15
Jordan 15 15
Cara Maria 0
Johnny from Portland 15 15
LaToya 25 10 35
Nany 15 15
Leroy 0
Jemmye 0
Devyn 15 15
Zach 0
Nia 15 15
Cohutta 15 15
Theresa 0
Bananas 15  5 20
Jasmine 15 15
Jonna 0
Swift 15 15

Best player performance of the episode: LaToya (35 points)

Worst player performance ever of the episode: Chet (-55 points)

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One thought on “Free Agents – Episode 1 – Breakdown and Scoring

  1. […] Here is the point breakdown stolen from some website where there are those more dedicated than I to actually pausing the show and keeping track of points.  Unfortunately, this website doesn’t give points for as many things that I would want them to, but like I said, I’m not going to keep track of points so unless someone else wants to take on that task, we’ll be stealing our point calculations from this website:… […]

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